


Crier tout bas

by Tourmalyn



Category: Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Love, M/M, help them, theyre both very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-15 19:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5797174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tourmalyn/pseuds/Tourmalyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>''If the earth is dark, if the rain is drowning you<br/>Tell me just so we can shiver together<br/>If that day never comes during the night of the lost ones<br/>Tell me just so we can scream in a whisper'' - Crier tout bas, Coeur de Pirate</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crier tout bas

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! It's the first time I ever wrote something over 1k words in english, since it's not my native language. Fortunately a friend of mine helped me so it should be fine but I apologize if there's any weird typos.  
> Enjoy!

That night, any signs of sleep seemed to escape from Ja'far. Just like countless of nights before, he couldn't move, trapped in an uncomfortable bed and confronting the heavy stream of thoughts going through his mind. He always hated the idea of sleeping in the first place; to him, it was nothing but a ridiculous waste of time and his senses could never get some rest anyway. Old habits from when he was a small assassin were still remaining within him through the years.

And so he just accepted it; letting his eyes open and peering through the darkness of his small, unfamiliar room and thoughts filling his tired body.

The thought of Sinbad came to him just naturally. Sinbad, the man so many people relied on and looked up to. He grew up with him and saw his whole evolution until now. Ja'far knew a lot of things about him – he could easily recognize the pure joy on his face, or when he was sad, or angry, and even when he tried to hide these feelings. Ja'far could tell something was wrong just by the look on his face or how his smile slightly changed, be it a matter of seconds. He could read into Sinbad like an open book but still didn't understand him on many levels.

In fact, Ja'far didn't agree with most of his president's decisions. And yet, that didn't prevent him from staying by his side.

And then he thought about their life at Sindria and just how much everything was better back then – bright days and comforting nights, their routine, his house, his everything. Ja'far missed Sindria more than he'd like to admit. He never had a home like this before and both Sinbad and Sindria gave him this warm, comforting feeling of belonging after all these years of misery.

But even at this time, years ago, Ja'far knew Sinbad didn't felt well. He couldn't tell why exactly but he just knew. He didn't bother to ask – it was pointless, Sinbad wouldn't talk about it. Ja'far knew this, too. Not even to him, his right hand man, his closest friend and even more.

In those brief smiles he could barely see now, deep in those golden eyes he loved so dearly, he could see it; the pain. The pain slowly eating Sinbad from the inside. It was ugly, monstrous and it didn't suit him at all. More than anything, it frightened Ja'far.

But he's suffering too, and it devours him just as much. Because he's chained to Sinbad, because he does not always agree, because some things changed and deep inside Ja'far hates change. He wished nothing but the life they once had, their adventures and peaceful days, the travels with the only king he ever had in his heart and those quiet nights, watching the campfire crackle underneath exchanged smiles full of hopes and promises. Ja'far suffers now because three years after leaving Sindria, everything that once tied him to Sinbad seemed to disappear and slowly, painfully, a distance that never existed between them before appeared.

And Ja'far knew too well how much this, more than anything else ever did, destroyed him.

Every nights, Ja'far thought a lot about these things. About Sinbad, their pain, the distance and the changes. Sinbad suffered for reasons he didn't know and Ja'far suffered because of Sinbad and his unknown pain. It seemed like a very, very tiring vicious circle and there was no way out of it.

But that night, instead of trying to get some sleep, Ja'far gets up. He knows his king – president well enough to tell he's not sleeping right now. Softly, quietly, he closes the door behind him and walks through the many corridors of the headquarters until facing Sinbad's office door.  
He only needs to knock one time before he hears Sinbad's voice rise in the silence. A quiet ''come in''.

He enters and Sinbad does not move from his spot, facing the large window overlooking the new world he created in three years.

''What brings you here? It's getting pretty late.''

For the first time in what seemed forever, Ja'far finally dares to approach, so close their shoulders almost brushes against each other. Side by side, they look at the city.

''Do I really need a reason to come see my friend?''

Sinbad chuckles softly, but his laugh sighs and Ja'far feels his heart breaking in thousand of pieces.

''Of course not, it's just... pretty rare to see you at such hours.''

Did he forgot all the nights they spent together before? Ja'far brushes the thought away as a weird and heavy silence takes place. A silence filled with unsaid feelings, because they both know just how much absolutely nothing is alright. Sinbad just as much as Ja'far.

The younger man turns his head toward Sinbad, detailing subtly his worried features.

He sees in his eyes a frightening and terrible storm, a despair that words could never explain. Sinbad is slowly drowning and Ja'far swears he can hear him screams in his silence, under the ugly mask of neutrality he constantly wears. This is not Sinbad, not the one he grew up with.

''A lot of things changed in our lives these past years.''

Sinbad is not quite sure why Ja'far suddenly brings up the subject, but he still nods, his eyes locked on the window.

''In fact... Everything changed. Our lives are nothing like they used to be, when everything began, when we were still so young and naive...''

Sinbad doesn't answer, arms crossed.

''Even in three years, lots of things changed. We've been through so much.''

Sinbad rubs his neck, brows furrowing.

''And many things were destroyed, too...''

Silence.

Ja'far takes a deep breath, before speaking again :

''...I wonder, among all these things, what made you change so much?''

''Change? What are you talking about, Ja'far?''

Ja'far doesn't know why he's doing this. He knows things won't end up nicely, but the thought of Sinbad suffering for years and still not telling him reminds him why came there in the first place. He grits his teeth before replying :

''I'm just asking when exactly you started to let yourself suffer alone and not telling me or anyone about it!''

''I don't understand what you mean. What is wrong with you all of a sudden, Ja'far?''

Sinbad's voice is like a deep growl, eyes darkening. The subject is apparently very sensitive.

''I'm the one who should be asking this! What is wrong with YOU? Why do you always act like nothing changed? Why are your smiles not the way they used to be? Why are you always closing yourself to others? Why are you so stupid and why do you keep those things away from me?! This is not you, Sin!''

''Get out, Ja'far. I don't know if you came here only to disrespect me, but this is enough.''

Ja'far freezes for a second, the cold words breaking something in him, but sadness is soon replaced with anger, fists clenched.

''Oh no, it's not.''

The younger man approaches Sinbad, iron eyes piercing through him. He grabs his president's collar, raising his voice, their faces close.

''I warned you, didn't I? That I'd never let you stay so fucking pathetic, or else I'd put an end to this disgusting life of guilt that never suited you in the first place. But the worst... The worst is that you actually think that keeping everyone away from these problems will be the best thing to do. Life is no utopia, Sinbad! You can't make everyone happy by doing this! How can you be so fucking stupid?! Not telling me about this only makes you even more stupid than you already are! Why didn't you told me about this, Sin? Why? Why didn't you...''

Ja'far takes a deep breath, his fists bumping Sinbad's chest as he keeps talking.

''Why do you always want to fight everything alone!? Why... Why did you remained silent for all these years? What have you gained from this?''

Sinbad is speechless. He looks at anything but Ja'far. He knows he can't face his gaze and his hands are shaking. Sinbad doesn't know what to feel exactly. He should be angry, but he cannot be. Because he knows, somehow, how true Ja'far's words are and it makes him want to throw up. He hates how Ja'far is always right, how he can always spits the words that everybody think but nobody else want to say, but this is also why he loved the younger man so much.

''You made me believe in your dream and I loved it as much as you, I followed you, I believed in you... You knew I would always be there to back you in your moments of weakness, and yet, you still let yourself suffer, you let yourself sink, keeping the weight of the whole world on your shoulders... This expression of guilt never suited you, Sinbad.''

Ja'far's tone softened and Sinbad finally locks his eyes into his.

''I promised to follow you anywhere and until the end, and it also means through your most atrocious sufferings. But how... How can I help you if you stay silent? How can I get you out?''

Tears threaten to fall from Ja'far's eyes and Sinbad tries to speak, but he lowers hid head. As Ja'far tries to move his hands away from him, Sinbad softly holds his wrists and intertwines their fingers together. He needs him. Sinbad needs Ja'far so much, more than he'd ever like to admit. He wishes he could say how much he wants him to stay by his side, how much he wants to hold him, kiss him, but he cannot. Not anymore.

Ja'far's voice raises again, in a soft whisper:

''If the earth is dark, if the rain is drowning you... Tell me just so we can shiver together... If the day never comes, tell me just so we can scream in a whisper... Together...''

''I can't, Ja'far, I can't''

Sinbad's voice is weak, low, on the verge of breaking. He slowly buries his face in the crook of Ja'far's neck, and it takes a moment before he can feel the shoulders of Sinbad shaking from silent, but heavy sobs.

Ja'far is so surprised that he cannot move at first: the man he loves more than anything else on this whole world is sobbing painfully against him and he can't do anything to help. He loves him, he loves him, he loves him, and he wishes they could both go back in time, because they are not meant to have such a life, they shouldn't be suffering so much and he just wants him to be happy. He doesn't care about himself; as long as Sinbad is okay, then everything is fine and the world would be okay too. But now, Ja'far is useless and he's way too much aware about this.

But then, tears finally fall from his eyes too. Big, hot tears, slowly rolling on his cold skin, burning his cheaks, his nose and his mouth too. And it hurts, it hurts so much. Ja'far clenches his hands on Sinbad's back, holding him tightly, silently screaming and breathless.

After all this time of feeling so far away from Sinbad, Ja'far wished being so close to him again would feel good, but now it only feels painful.

 

***

 

Early morning light was slowly making its way through the window as they still hold onto each other, deeply hurted souls searching for the only reassurance they could get.

Nothing about either Ja’far nor Sinbad crying was unusual. 

But that night, their pain seemed to reach for each other and slightly touched, intertwined. They both cried for different reasons; Ja'far hopelessly cried because he loved him so much, he loved Sinbad to the point where his whole body felt heavy and every breath was painful, and the sight of the only king to his heart suffering hurted him more than anything else. Sinbad, on the other hand, cried for reasons that could never be told, for something deep down in his mind, in his whole body, something he could never tell Ja'far. Because guilt and pride were slowly killing him and he wished he could just tell him, trusts his words, but nothing ever could heal the monster growing within him.

**Author's Note:**

> ...And so that's it! Please feel free to comment or criticize, I'm open to everything.   
>  Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
